just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Its about making memories worth repressing
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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