Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
