I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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