i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
