all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
