Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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