Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
