Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
