Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
