$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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