I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
