My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
