I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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