I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
