There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
