Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
