He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
