i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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