When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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