Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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