What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
