I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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