You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
