It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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