he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
