guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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