I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
