u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
