Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
