My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
