You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
