I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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