Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
