I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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