Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
