Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
