Duck Duck Cougar?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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