I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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