That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
