I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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