I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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