somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
