Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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