woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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