I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
