Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
