I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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