the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
