I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
