shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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