never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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