god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
