So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
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